Captivated by Her Desire

I loved one girl in my class. The reason, I don’t know. The first time I saw her, I liked her. She was in line ahead of me at admission, but I was afraid to talk with her. Surprise! We were in the same department! And I wanted her, grew to love her…

Dear MH Family,

You may have read my fantasy about the girl I am in love with. That was only the first part of the post I sent in. I didn’t realize my first post was going to be split into two parts. I just wrote my fantasy with a note at the end asking for advice, but now it has its own post! Maybe it is God’s will that I get some input from all of you here on MH. Just in case, I thought it would be good if I wrote more about my current situation and my thoughts, so you can advise me properly.

In my culture, expressing one’s interest in a person is to be addressed in a reserved manner. Asking someone to be your girlfriend is tantamount to asking for their hand in marriage. And on top of that, most of us still take part in arranged marriages. Our parents choose our spouses. They may listen to our preferences, but they make the ultimate decision. Even though a few young people have begun to move away from it, it is still the most accepted and honorable path.

When I first saw this girl, I liked her. I tried to not even look at her, because I knew that I had an important task to do (taking admission) and I couldn’t afford to distract myself. Even so, a sudden thought crossed my mind. Come on, talk with this girl. Nope. I’d never done anything like that, talking with girls without knowing them. Instead, I just told myself that it would be nice if we were in the same class. Then we could see what developed!

Later, on the first day of school, I saw her in my class! Wow, great! We are in the same class and batch! [For Westerners, that’s like being in the same year of college with the same major.]

Not every girl has the kind of charm with which you can fall in love! But she does. And I admired her beauty the first time I ever saw her. But I’m a shy one…

How Do I Make Her Mine?

So then the problem became how to talk with this girl. And do you know what happened? She and one of her girlfriends came up to me and a friend of mine to ask about forming a project group. Wow, again! I didn’t know what I should expect.

Still, even then, I didn’t say anything to her about how I felt or try to develop a relationship. Now I look back and think of this as me missing a golden opportunity. I could have easily built a friendship between us and formed a close bond with her. But nope, I didn’t. It would have felt fake. I’m not like the other guys. During this phase, most of them tried their luck with her, getting her information, her contact number and calling her, proposing to her [asking her to date them, an exclusive relationship], and so on.

Yes, I felt jealousy and a little afraid, too. Why? I was afraid she’d start dating one of them and I don’t want to lose my chance with this girl. We aren’t close enough friends for me to get to know her well enough. It’s so frustrating!

I began to masturbate while thinking about this girl, but only sometimes. Whenever I saw her, I just wanted to gaze at her and enjoy that moment! In my mind, I always desire her as my wife. Sometimes I ignore those feelings, sometimes I flow with them.

I am interested in a serious relationship. Yes, I want to marry her and I mean it! I need this girl. I want her as my girlfriend but I haven’t proposed [a serious relationship with the intent of marriage] to her. She is so sweet and still unattached. Lots of guys want her, but I believe she is meant to be mine. From the first moment I saw her, I loved her.

Making a Start

I have begun to talk with her, but how do I proceed now? Other guys have proposed to her, but she rejects them. I want to be the one lucky man who ends up with her.

I prayed, “Please, God, show me the path. Help me. I need your help. Guide me.” And yes, He listened to me!

Just a couple of weeks ago, I began to talk with her. I told myself, “If you want this girl, then let’s begin! You want to marry your dream girl but, if you don’t take any action, how can God help you? Let’s try! God must guide you, keep your faith in God.”

Please, God, I love her… How do I make her mine?

All I Ever Wanted

As a virgin, I have always wanted to share my virginity with my wife on our first wedding night. I always pray that God will give me strength to wait. When I read stories from married couples on MH, I feel happy for them. Wow, their marriage sex is so enjoyable! And when they share about their love making sessions, it make me happy because married sex is beautiful! They give me strength to wait and inspire me to share my real honeymoon sex story when my wife and I get to enjoy each others as virgins!

I definitely want a virgin wife. And because of that, I am afraid of what I see going on in society. Some guys only want a girl’s body and just use them. I hate all this.

Basically, I want to fully devote myself to only one girl. I want my thoughts, feelings, and imagination focused on only one girl, the one who will be my future wife. I want to wait until our marriage, where we can cherish each other! So I devoted myself to this girl. That is, I was always think about her becoming my wife and focused on only her.

Doubting My Intentions

A couple of weeks ago, I began to masturbate more and think only about her: her breasts, ass, pussy… all her body. Just about what it would be like to fuck her and about my desire for her body. Almost daily, I imagined fucking her. Sometimes I felt guilty about that.

Sometimes I questioned myself. “Do you love this girl? Most of the time, you just imagine fucking that pussy? Sure, you desire her body, but would you love her without desire for her body? Yes, sex is a most precious gift you can share with her, but what about pure spiritual bonding between you and her.”

Now that I’ve met this particular girl, I am sure I will always want her as my wife. Yes, lots of guys proposed to her, or have the intention to! But I wonder if this is because of her beauty (desiring her body) or if they really love her? No doubt about it, she is cute and sexy; it’s no wonder so many guys go after her.

Yes, I admit that, at first, I liked her for her beauty, too. But it is also true that while I appreciated her beauty, I left it at that. I just hoped we’d end up in the same class. And it happened! But even when we were in the same project group, I didn’t talk with her on a personal level, trying to get close to her. One reason was that I didn’t want to get carried away by her beauty and her body. I wanted to know the true form of my feelings. As a guy, was I just attracted towards her beauty and desiring her for her body or do I love her soul?

And Now I Know

After one year, I have realised that I both like her and love her. Not every girl has what it takes for me to fall in love with them. What about her beauty? Well, yes, she is beautiful and sexy. But so what? Many guys chase after her, but she still remains single and virgin. I know now that I have a strong desire to spend time with her and talk to her. It’s only in my imagination that I always want to fuck her. (And when she becomes my wife, we can do whatever we want together. Hey, just being positive.)

Whenever I think about her while masturbating, about enjoying her, fucking her pussy, eating her out, taking her cute little ass, enjoying her boobs… even in these imaginings, I crave a bonding with her soul, that oneness I read about here and that I know is God’s plan for marriage.

I also admit I feel a little jealous when she’s with her group of friends. (Especially of the boys. That’s why I wrote the Becoming One Flesh story.)

It’s also true that I don’t know her feelings clearly, whether she “likes” me or not. Once I asked her about her opinion on marriage. She told me that she’s interested in an arranged marriage (her family would find a guy and she would marry him). This didn’t hurt my feelings because I believe in myself! I can do it… I can end up with her!

Except…

But I’m not talking with this girl about us being together. I’m not spending time in her company. Here I am, just cumming to thoughts of her while other people spend time with her. Of course, they are in the same group of friends. But I don’t think I’m doing this right.

I’m wasting my time! I can’t spend the time with her that one of the guys from her group gets to enjoy, hanging out together. I feel jealous of him. On top of that, she also enjoys chatting with that guy. She texts back and forth with him. (Yes, I confirmed it.) It’s common, I know, but I still feel jealous. I want to talk with her, too. I want to hang out with her, spend time with her. But what I am doing about it? Just masturbating in bed thinking about her! What?!

I want this girl, but it looks like my efforts are directionless and I don’t know how to proceed! Beingshy, I’ve never had a girlfriend. And I feel these pangs of jealousy that bias my thoughts. So I just switch off my mood so she won’t know what I’m thinking. I’ve never understood how to manage my feelings for her while at the same time focusing on my studies.

I think I’ll Try…

As for masturbating, I think I’ll stop it like I mentioned in comments. Why? Most of the time when I do it thinking about this girl, I just cum without feeling any emotional pleasure. It’s just cumming. It seems mean or small of me to just cum thinking about her and to get carried away by jealousy, anger, lust. I feel I’m being influenced by my environment, their thoughts about sex, etc. I’ve imagined some other girl, but that doesn’t help. I’m ashamed to say I’ve even tried watching porn and masturbating. I don’t want to do that.

I want to handle my sexual tension in a godly manner. First I’ll purify my thought and then, yes, I’ll enjoy this gift of masturbation. I don’t want to be involved in any sexual thoughts which lead me to an impure mindset.

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