Bound by Desire, Lost in Trust

As she opened the box, she was still shaking her head and was uncertain about what she was going to do. She picked up the adjustable restraints that she had ordered through a discrete website and just shook her head. It had all started two months ago…

Andrew and Allie had been married for eight years. In that time their family had grown to five – not including the cat. Allie was a fourth-grade teacher and her husband, Andrew, was a loan officer at a local bank. Their marriage had always been quite good – good enough that their friends complimented them on the way they treated each other. About half of their friends had already gotten a divorce and many of the rest were unhappy in their relationships. Having three children under the age of six had taken its toll though. The frequency of sex had dropped substantially. And despite regular ‘date nights,’ their ‘spark’ had dimmed a bit. Their sex life had gotten stale and Allie found herself thinking of sex as more hassle than it was worth. That’s when Allie heard about a special program that was being sponsored by their church.

The program was advertised as a way to rejuvenate and celebrate marriage and was for women only. She and a friend signed up immediately. She wasn’t quite sure what to expect from the speaker, and she forgot most of the material quickly. But there was one hour of the day-long program devoted to “Sex and Marriage.” The speaker was a middle-aged woman who could have passed for a stereotypical file clerk, but she seemed to come alive in this segment. The speaker emphasized these things:

– Don’t be afraid to try new things in the bedroom
– Don’t be afraid to initiate love-making
– Don’t mistake being adventurous for being sinful

The speaker encouraged the attendees to spice up their lovemaking: “You can use lingerie, massage oil, vibrators, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and whips. I don’t care what you do as long as it is a mutual expression of love.” You could hear the gasp come up from the attendees. This seemed to only encourage the speaker. She went on to emphasize taking control in the bedroom. “What you have to understand is that men are taught to pursue women from adolescence. They are taught to be the aggressors. Consequently, they get turned down all the time and that can take its toll. While most men have big egos, it can still be discouraging to your husband when you turn him down. I’m not saying that you have to be ready for sex any time he wants it – I’m saying that you can take a huge amount of pressure off of him when you aggressively initiate love-making. Now he doesn’t have to worry about whether you are willing. He knows that you’re ready and that is a huge relief to a man.” Allie had never thought of it this way. But upon thinking about it, she realized that she had gotten in the pattern of waiting for Andrew to send clear signals that he wanted sex. Sometimes she felt like it and sometimes she didn’t. Be she had never seen it as a burden for him – but it made sense.

The speaker continued. “Pay close attention to what your husband is communicating to you. See if you can figure out what he likes and doesn’t like. I’ve never had a women tell me that her husband rejected her advances. Men don’t care exactly what you want to do as much as they want you to initiate it.” The program, and especially the segment on sex, created quite a stir. Afterwards several vocal members said that the speaker had gone too far. But a seed had been planted in Allie.

The next day she asked Andrew to stay home with the children while she went to go for a walk with her mother. She occasionally asked for this escape when the challenges of being a mother were wearing on her, and Andrew always encouraged her to go. Instead of going for the walk, Allie went to a local coffee shop and took her journal. After getting her coffee, Allie sat and thought. What does Andrew like? Their bedroom routine had been pretty traditional up to this point. She occasionally wore a silky chemise that he enjoyed and she often lit a candle and played soft music. But even she was getting slightly bored of these details.

As she thought about their routine, a memory flashed. They had been watching a Failure to Launch – a romantic comedy – at home on the couch. Near the end Matthew McConaughy and Sarah Jessica Parker finally decide to be together. Throughout the last scene, McConaughy is tied to a chair. Feeling good about the couple’s happy ending, Allie had snuggled closer to Andrew and was surprised to feel his erection. She assumed that it meant that he wanted to make love (as they sometimes did after a movie on a weekend).

That memory led Allie to another. They had been watching another movie – she couldn’t even remember the name of it. Andrew had chosen it, and it was one of those American Pie/ Hangover movies or one of a hundred ‘guy movies’ that included lots of adolescent humor. In the movie, a man was surprised when his girlfriend arrived in a long trenchcoat and heels – only to reveal a leather bra and panties. She restrained her boyfriend’s hands over his head and proceeded to use a riding crop to rub over his body and gently tease him. The scene wasn’t very long, but Allie remembered glancing over at Andrew to see his reaction. She specifically remembered his intense gaze and was surprised when she could clearly see his erection straining against his pajama pants.

Allie was surprised that she hadn’t thought of it since. Was her husband excited by being restrained and dominated? Her first thought was “I’m not that kind of girl.” She closed her journal and went home. But the thoughts stayed with her. In some ways it did make sense – if the speaker was right and men were looking for their wife to take the pressure off of them, there were few things more direct than restraining him and pleasuring him.

One day after her husband had gone to bed early, Allie searched for more information online. She found some websites and pictures that horrified her – things that were much too intense. And then she stumbled across a different website: “A Christian Girl’s Guide to Being Kinky.” The site was written by a Christian Couple and focused on women who didn’t want to hurt their husbands or completely change their personality, or do anything illegal or immoral. It focused on celebrating the marriage relationship while trying new things. One of the sections of the website was titled: “The Christian Wife: In Charge.” As she read, she began to develop a new understanding.

In this section, the authors of the website described how ‘playful dominance’ could enhance a marriage relationship in several ways. It allowed the wife to initiate sex and plan the sexual encounter, thus helping her feel like a more equal partner in the bedroom. Additionally, they argued that ‘playful dominance’ reinforced the trust between marriage partners. When the wife was in control, it forced her husband to trust her with his physical, emotional, and sexual needs. Men were rarely in such a vulnerable position with their wives. The authors argued that it actually helped husbands be more vulnerable and emotionally connected with their wives outside the bedroom. Finally, they stated that the nature of the interaction forced the husband to experience love-making in a more emotional way and to experience pleasure beyond simply through his penis. In essence the process would make him engage his thoughts and emotions more fully. Allie was relieved to read that the couple’s definition of ‘playful dominance’ emphasized mutual desire and lack of physical pain or punishment. She had no desire to hurt Andrew and knew that she couldn’t do that no matter how it was framed.

The couple who authored the website offered several ‘pointers’ for those getting started:

“Based on interviews and surveys, we have discovered several general ‘Truths and Guidance about Playful Dominance”:

1) 90% of husbands like it when their wives decide to be playfully dominant. Seriously. Only men who never want to give up any control don’t like it. Some men enjoy it even more than others, but almost all of them like it a lot. Why else would it be such a common scene in movies and TV shows lately?

2) Husbands want to see their wives wear something different and exciting. The old saying that men are turned on visually is true. It is virtually impossible to overdo it. Black camisole set? Great! Sexy bustiers? Yes! Matching leather bra and thong? Absolutely! Garters and stockings? Definitely! High heels or high-heeled boots are a requirement. Men can never quite explain what it is about them that make their heart beat faster, but they are a must. Heels or boots complete the visual image that the wife is in charge tonight.

3) Toys are necessary to help make a full transition to the playful dominance as something different than the usual lovemaking. This will force the husband to pay attention to what his wife is doing and to receiving pleasure. 90% of husbands want more than just restraints. Other toys include feathers, ice, whipped cream, vibrators, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and whips. Let’s be clear – the big difference between our site and ‘those other sites’ on the internet are that these items are used for mutual pleasure, never to inflict pain. Imagine them as props in a play. They simply set the stage to make things feel real.

4) Wives often feel awkward at first, but most genuinely enjoy taking their turn as the one in control. They often have lots of excuses and insecurities initially: “He’ll think I look ridiculous,” “I don’t know what I’m doing,” “He’ll laugh at me,” “I could never be comfortable doing those things.” In 10 years of having this website we’ve never had a wife come back and say that her husband wasn’t completely turned on. Instead, we’ve had wives and husbands email us to share how this has created a new chapter of excitement, trust, and love in their relationship.

5) Playful dominance is never about pain. It is about teasing, playing, new sensations, and a hint of unpredictability, but never pain.

Allie let the words sink in over the next few days. She went back to the website and re-read the content. She even looked in the forums to read about other married couples experiences. Slowly, a plan began to emerge. She found a website with the ‘toys’ she would need and was thankful that she always got home to receive the packages before he did. She set a date and set the stage.

It began with a call to his office in the morning with a simple message before she hung up: “You’re in for a treat tonight.” Andrew was surprised. Allie had never done this before. He felt a slight twinge in his pants and found himself watching the clock. She texted an hour later: “Can’t wait to see you.” Another hour, another text from Allie: “I can’t stop thinking about you.” His replies requesting details were met with silence. Andrew caught himself day-dreaming about the possibilities, and it was difficult to focus on the loan applications. Finally, his workday ended and Andrew raced home to see what was waiting for him.

As he walked in the door, Andrew was slightly disappointed to see Allie dressed in casual jeans and a plain shirt. He had hoped that she would be dressed – well, differently. She had prepared his favorite meal – fried chicken and mashed potatoes – and had already dropped the children off at her parents’ house. They shared a bottle of wine and talked about their day. Finally Andrew had to ask, “So what about all these messages today?”

“I have something planned for later” Allie replied cryptically.

“Oh really” half question, half statement.

“Perhaps it’s time to get started.”

Allie was doing her best to appear seductive and in control. She was actually filled with doubts. What if he doesn’t like this? What if he isn’t turned on and thinks it is completely ridiculous. She gave herself 50/50 odds that he would just laugh at her.

“Go to the bedroom and take off your shirt. I’ll be there soon.”

“Well, ok.” Andrew felt the stirring in his pants again. He was intrigued and beginning to get excited. He was eager to see where this was headed. He quickly looked around the bedroom and saw nothing different. He followed her directions and sat on the edge of their bed as he waited for her. Andrew’s mind was swimming with wonder. He loved seeing his wife being so confident and assertive. He wasn’t afraid of what she would do to him – he knew that she wouldn’t go too far. In fact, his only fear was that she would stop. He could sense a relaxation that he hadn’t felt before. He had fully given himself over to the seduction and to her control. He was just along for the ride.

She stepped into the bedroom and dimmed the lights. Andrew’s face fell slightly. She had prepared his favorite meal – fried chicken and mashed potatoes – and had already dropped the children off at her parents’ house. They shared a bottle of wine and talked about their day. Finally Andrew had to ask, “So what about all these messages today?”

“I have something planned for later” Allie replied cryptically.

“Oh really” half question, half statement.

“Perhaps it’s time to get started.”

Allie was doing her best to appear seductive and in control. She was actually filled with doubts. What if he doesn’t like this? What if he isn’t turned on and thinks it is completely ridiculous. She gave herself 50/50 odds that he would just laugh at her.

“Go to the bedroom and take off your shirt. I’ll be there soon.”

“Well, ok.” Andrew felt the stirring in his pants again. He was intrigued and beginning to get excited. He was eager to see where this was headed. He quickly looked around the bedroom and saw nothing different. He followed her directions and sat on the edge of their bed as he waited for her. Andrew’s mind was swimming with wonder. He loved seeing his wife being so confident and assertive. He wasn’t afraid of what she would do to him – he knew that she wouldn’t go too far. In fact, his only fear was that she would stop. He could sense a relaxation that he hadn’t felt before. He had fully given himself over to the seduction and to her control. He was just along for the ride.

She stepped into the bedroom and dimmed the lights. Andrew’s face fell slightly. She had prepared his favorite meal – fried chicken and mashed potatoes – and had already dropped the children off at her parents’ house. They shared a bottle of wine and talked about their day. Finally Andrew had to ask, “So what about all these messages today?”

“I have something planned for later” Allie replied cryptically.

“Oh really” half question, half statement.

“Perhaps it’s time to get started.”

Allie was doing her best to appear seductive and in control. She was actually filled with doubts. What if he doesn’t like this? What if he isn’t turned on and thinks it is completely ridiculous. She gave herself 50/50 odds that he would just laugh at her.

“Go to the bedroom and take off your shirt. I’ll be there soon.”

“Well, ok.” Andrew felt the stirring in his pants again. He was intrigued and beginning to get excited. He was eager to see where this was headed. He quickly looked around the bedroom and saw nothing different. He followed her directions and sat on the edge of their bed as he waited for her. Andrew’s mind was swimming with wonder. He loved seeing his wife being so confident and assertive. He wasn’t afraid of what she would do to him – he knew that she wouldn’t go too far. In fact, his only fear was that she would stop. He could sense a relaxation that he hadn’t felt before. He had fully given himself over to the seduction and to her control. He was just along for the ride.

She stepped into the bedroom and dimmed the lights. Andrew’s face fell slightly. She had prepared his favorite meal – fried chicken and mashed potatoes – and had already dropped the children off at her parents’ house. They shared a bottle of wine and talked about their day. Finally Andrew had to ask, “So what about all these messages today?”

“I have something planned for later” Allie replied cryptically.

“Oh really” half question, half statement.

“Perhaps it’s time to get started.”

Allie was doing her best to appear seductive and in control. She was actually filled with doubts. What if he doesn’t like this? What if he isn’t turned on and thinks it is completely ridiculous. She gave herself 50/50 odds that he would just laugh at her.

“Go to the bedroom and take off your shirt. I’ll be there soon.”

“Well, ok.” Andrew felt the stirring in his pants again. He was intrigued and beginning to get excited. He was eager to see where this was headed. He quickly looked around the bedroom and saw nothing different. He followed her directions and sat on the edge of their bed as he waited for her. Andrew’s mind was swimming with wonder. He loved seeing his wife being so confident and assertive. He wasn’t afraid of what she would do to him – he knew that she wouldn’t go too far. In fact, his only fear was that she would stop. He could sense a relaxation that he hadn’t felt before. He had fully given himself over to the seduction and to her control. He was just along for the ride.

She stepped into the bedroom and dimmed the lights. Andrew’s face fell slightly. She had prepared his favorite meal – fried chicken and mashed potatoes – and had already dropped the children off at her parents’ house. They shared a bottle of wine and talked about their day. Finally Andrew had to ask, “So what about all these messages today?”

“I have something planned for later” Allie replied cryptically.

“Oh really” half question, half statement.

“Perhaps it’s time to get started.”

Allie was doing her best to appear seductive and in control. She was actually filled with doubts. What if he doesn’t like this? What if he isn’t turned on and thinks it is completely ridiculous. She gave herself 50/50 odds that he would just laugh at her.

“Go to the bedroom and take off your shirt. I’ll be there soon.”

“Well, ok.” Andrew felt the stirring in his pants again. He was intrigued and beginning to get excited. He was eager to see where this was headed. He quickly looked around the bedroom and saw nothing different. He followed her directions and sat on the edge of their bed as he waited for her. Andrew’s mind was swimming with wonder. He loved seeing his wife being so confident and assertive. He wasn’t afraid of what she would do to him – he knew that she wouldn’t go too far. In fact, his only fear was that she would stop. He could sense a relaxation that he hadn’t felt before. He had fully given himself over to the seduction and to her control. He was just along for the ride.

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Bound by Desire, Lost in Trust

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