Possession's Sweetest Hunger

It’s not having what you want; it’s wanting what you’ve got.
-Good advice from Sheryl Crow

One danger in reading MarriageHeat stories is that, for some people, it is easy to get dissatisfied with our own married sex life. I resolved my dissatisfaction with my sex life before I discovered MH. I’ve mentioned some of this before, but I think this is very important—important enough to say it again:

First of all, my wife and I are both survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We did not become perpetrators, but we had our own issues because of what we experienced. I became hyper-sexual, and my wife, Melodie, became not asexual but less comfortable with some aspects of sex. We both had sought out individual therapy before we even met, so we were on the road to healing. Even so, we clearly had some desire discrepancy.

Our sex life for 26 years had some “regular sex” and some incredible sex. Back in our early marital years, we were both multi-orgasmic with us both climaxing several times in a lovemaking session. But I wanted more. We did not argue much, but when we did, the main thing we argued about was the frequency of sex and oral sex.

After we retired, I thought that we’d have sex way more frequently since we would be less exhausted from work. That didn’t happen. I also felt disappointed that my wife still usually didn’t enjoy giving or receiving oral sex. Yet sometimes, she was really into oral. I wanted more variety in our marital sexual relationship, too. Plus, I knew my wife COULD want sex every day and get uber into it. I had experienced her like that several times, and I wanted her that way all the time.

So, I dragged her to sex therapy, and the first sex/marriage therapist basically said that I needed to chill out. I should not be moping over things we didn’t do because there was plenty to celebrate from the sexual things we DID share. He said that I needed to be grateful for what we had. (I had not yet discovered nor was I ready to accept the Sheryl Crow lyrics about “wanting what you’ve got.”)

Well, I did not like this therapist’s answers, so I found another Christian sex/marriage therapist—a husband and wife team actually. I was again told pretty much the same thing. In fact, the male therapist (who was working with me) told me that he and his wife were both sex therapists who loved sex, and I was complaining when my wife and I had more sex than they did. He helped me see that I was ungrateful in spite of the abundance of my blessings.

I was beginning to accept those Sheryl Crow lyrics about “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.” By the way, the song is called “Soak Up The Sun.”

This therapist and his wife, who worked with my wife and I together, also pointed out that people (especially women) can be in different places in their arousal, and that hot and super-horny today does not mean she’ll be just like that in three days. This is normal.

As far as oral sex, he didn’t have an answer beyond “some people,” for whatever reason, just don’t like certain things.

During this time, we were getting both individual and couple’s therapy (me from the male therapist, and Melodie from his wife). I also was researching and studying the topic of married sex—a lot! So, with the therapy and my own research, Melodie and I planned a sex schedule. We would have sex every other day, but she would usually go for an orgasm only every other time. We called the times she didn’t come a quickie. She also agreed to give me fellatio on special occasions like holidays, anniversary, birthdays, etc.

It has worked out great! Sometimes, she’d get aroused enough during a quickie session that she’d want to (and did) have an orgasm or two. Sometimes, she’d surprise me with unplanned oral, as well.

I came across an internet site that compared your married sex life with a trip to an amusement park. So I came up with my own similar analogy for our situation: Here it is:

When you go to your favorite restaurant or buffet, the menu items are not always the same. Do you get mad and leave after you’ve found that not all of your favorites are being served today? No, you just enjoy what is on the menu that day. The menu is not always the same, so some items will be missing, but you can still enjoy the food that IS being served that day.

I experienced my analogy in real life the other day. We went to a Sizzler restaurant, and I was craving crab. But they did not have crab that day. I was briefly disappointed, but I instead ordered salmon and all-you-can-eat shrimp. The salmon and shrimp turned out to be delicious and easier to eat than crab. And after all, crab and shrimp ARE the same class of animal, Malacostraca. (Sorry, the biologist in me had to mention that.)

Malacostracans and salmon are my favorite seafoods, and Malacostracans include crab, shrimp, & lobster – all of which I really enjoy. It would not have made sense for me to get angry and storm out of the restaurant because they were not serving crab that day. Indeed, I really enjoyed the shrimp and salmon!

Think of my analogy as I tell you about the last time we made love, yesterday morning:

First I showed her our nightstand and the vibrators and sex toys I’d laid out on a purple microfiber cloth. (I call it her buffet of love.)

We started nude with some unique kissing that included Melodie nibbling on my lips. Then we did my lips on her nips. We used Naked Strawberry lube with coconut oil in her pussy, plus I put some of our lube mix on her nipples before doing tip on nip. Then I licked a lot of it off. She started with “Flicka,” a clitoris-stimming sex toy, then she used her mini-wand.

I was loving on her aroused and stiffened nipples, and we both were enjoying the fun. And then I remembered her giving me oral the last time we made love. (It had been a holiday.) It had been so amazing that I asked her to do that again this lovemaking session. She refused. I was briefly disappointed, but I focused on what WAS on our sex menu today, and I moved on.

She next chose from her buffet of love her powerful little Sensuelle vibrator to replace the mini-wand she’d been using.

I had been pumping my rod as I loved on her boobies, so I was really hard. She told me in her aroused and terribly sexy, husky voice, “I want you inside my pussy!” She repeated it several times as she twerked on her back, pinched her nipples, and even used her fingers to open her labia so I could see the entrance to her love tunnel and her beautiful clitoris.

I asked if I could lick her pussy first, and she said no, so I moved on. I slid inside her lubed, wet pussy and started thrusting. It felt aMAZING! She was twerking and squeezing my rod with her Kegel muscles, and I had a reasonably fast and easy orgasm. Sometimes my meds can delay my climax, and I have to really work at it to get there, which stresses my bad heart. But today no overworked heart, just very pleasant married sex.

We did a lot to get her there, but she had too much fibromyalgia pain this morning. I went from lying on her left side sucking her boob to going into X position for a second time. I realized that I had not put my oxygen cannula back on, but I stayed inside her, pumping and pounding her pussy for a while, which felt amazing! But my erection still waned a little, so I slipped out and pumped myself while still in X position. Then I returned to pussy pounding my beautiful and sexy wife. I played with one of her nipples while we were having intercourse. My second orgasm, while probably only 70-80% hard, was better than the first—in fact, it was super intense!

I slid out and scooped some of our strawberry-coconut flavored protein shake from her leaking pussy and applied it to both of her nipples. Then I had fun licking it off as she kept buzzing her clitoris.

“Mmmmm! Strawberry-flavored protein shake with raspberries!” I said. As usual, my wife rolled her eyes, but I think that it does turn her on. Although sometimes I DO lick her pussy and get my protein shake directly from the mixer, the alternative of licking our pussy-mixed shake off of her hard “raspberries” is also lots of fun!

Over the next 30 minutes, we did lots of lips-on-nips and tip-on-nip, But Melodie was experiencing some cramping pain in her muscles today, so she just couldn’t get to the summit. I again offered to give her cunninlingus—it helps her get to orgasm—but she just wasn’t in the mood for that today. So we stopped, and I put my oxygen back on. We spooned and cuddled. She reassured me that she had enjoyed herself even without the Big O, although that is incomprehensible to me.

We told each other of our love, and then she gently rubbed my back with her fingertips and put me to sleep. When I woke up 45 minutes later, she had covered me with my light, soft cotton Native American blanket. I felt so loved.

It would have been pointless for either of us to mourn her not reaching her orgasm. She almost always comes at least once during our lovemaking sessions. This rare exception meant that in probably just a day or two, she’d be anxious to try again—she always reaches orgasm those times, usually twice.

So, any type of oral sex was not on the sex menu yesterday. Neither was Melodie reaching her orgasmic bliss. But passionate lovemaking with several items on our sex menu HAD occurred and been enjoyed by both of us. Oral sex does happen sometimes. And usually, my wife has at least one nice orgasm in our lovemaking sessions. But yesterday, we appreciated and we were grateful to God for what we had rather than mourning or being upset at what was not on the sex menu that day.

After all, considering our health conditions and side effects of medications, we are very blessed to be able to still be in mortality and to still be able to emotionally, spiritually, and sexually bond.

I want to end this post by adding that not every sex act is for everyone. For instance, we don’t do anal, but we don’t begrudge other married couples for enjoying that. And I am sure that some people would be disgusted by me feasting on our pussy-mixed protein shake. The way I look at it is that MH can give us ideas to try AND show us that married sex need not be boring.

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