Scarlet Echoes in the Dusk

It’s been nearly a year since my initial story on MH. Because of its deep emotional impact and because for me vulnerability is challenging, that story was a difficult post, but very cathartic. Since that story, I’ve wanted to write another. Although our relationship and connection has continued to deepen and grow and we’ve had many wonderful encounters, I haven’t quite felt the prompting and motivation till now. The focus of this story is Deep Connection involving the combination of all aspects of our being (i.e. physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) as opposed to the mere physical. I realize my vulnerability may characterize me as a monster of sorts, depending on your perspective/convictions. At one point in my life, I pondered it. But as I’ve aged, I’ve changed. I’ve grown. The identity of my Sexual Self in my early teens was merely associated with its physical dimension and the pleasurable sensations I suddenly discovered. For several years following, I innocently explored and enjoyed this intriguing frontier, free of guilt and shame. That early stage of development was very sex-positive and characterized by curiosity and freedom. It took a sudden, unexpected and unfortunate turn around the age of 18 when I came to a saving faith in Jesus Christ. It radically changed my life. My Christian faith was now the very center and foundation of my being. I immersed myself in learning about this newfound faith, including its well-intended but largely sex-negative perspective of sex. It encouraged approaching sexuality with suspected danger and ever-vigilant caution. I learned one of my favorite pastimes (masturbation), which since my salvation I had come to believe was a gift from God, was—according to current church teaching—to be viewed as suspect and a form of “self-pollution.” Could this be true? Conflicted, I wrestled with this notion. Deep within my Sexual Self, I felt the strong desire to embrace my wonderful masculinity as God-given. I “managed” it privately while maintaining my purity and treating females and sisters in Christ with dignity and respect. But before long, after absorbing these sex-negative undertones I eventually “caved.” It caused me to question my passions, my desires, and the expression of my Sexual Self. Sex-negative messages (except in the bounds of marriage) were seldom discussed. Sex appeared to be something (although God-created) to keep private, shrouded in shame – like nudity and the human body. My college textbook in “Christian Ethics” (all male class) in Bible College, which discussed such topics as sexual purity and masturbation, was simplistically entitled: “SEX is NOT SINFUL?” I got the message. Loud and clear. Looking back, it was weak scriptural criterion, and rich in personal interpretation/opinion. But it took root deeply. I loved my God and Savior more than life itself. I was all in. Could I hold back any area of my life from Him? That was the way the subject was framed. In an attempt to honor God with this area of my life, I would shut it down by sheer force of will. But I often failed. Leaning on the power of God’s indwelling Holy Spirit within me, I fervently sought His assistance. I’d repent, promise to do better. Fail again… Repent again. Fail again… (ad nauseum). Anxiety, “guilt” and shame stalked and haunted me. At last! God answered my prayers and blessed me with a wonderful wife. An approved outlet for my God-given, pent-up sexual energy! Sex was no longer just about me. I’d finally have a sexual partner… This was the height of the “Sexual Revolution.” Sexual diseases proliferated. Sex was “Out of The Closet.” X-Rated movies showcasing all kinds of sexual activity were becoming commonplace. “Deep Throat,” in 1972 was an overnight phenomena. The sexual freedom at the height of the Sexual Revolution was liberating to secular society. But the Church recoiled and was quick to contrast/juxtapose this hedonistic pandemic with “godly” sexuality. Which by implication was diametrically opposed, but with few clear guidelines. What were acceptable, safe, God-honoring/sanctioned boundaries and activities a Christian couple could enjoy? This was my situation and my dilemma. What was I to do with the desires/passions I longed to explore/experience with my wife? What sexual activities were acceptable for us as Christians? I knew nothing of the sexual freedom metaphorically veiled in the Song of Songs, and I found little information in the Scriptures themselves. With this backdrop, I think you get my conflicted mindset and internal struggle in how to integrate my God-given sexuality (with its strong and inquisitive primal desires) with the core beliefs/teaching I’d heard and now taken to heart? Early in marriage, for me it was primarily still about the physical. Testosterone-driven. The “Big O.” My wife’s mere physical presence and sexual availability was sufficient. Sex wasn’t anything either of us had to struggle with or try to “work” at. It was hot and automatic. But through the years, with life’s pressures, responsibilities and trials, and a growing family eating away at our invaluable time together, I gradually realized I was missing and longing for more. Missionary play with a partner who was at times overly tired, yet lovingly committed and available, with a diminishing libido didn’t fulfill me. At this time she seemed to be fine with the status quo. I often felt I was merely “using” her. Obligatory “mercy” sex? I felt stifled, repressed. Often rejected. The enthusiastic advances I often made into new territory were mostly met with shock and disgust or disdain—at best, with an attitude of submissive duty. Not the emotional connection/component I now seemed to crave. The Emotional Connection (appearing to be something refused) surfaced, paramount. I now wanted, longed for, Emotional Connection. My repeated attempts to engage her emotionally seemed ignored, I began to withdraw emotionally myself. Sexual frequency and interest between us both became less and less frequent. Our love and commitment to each other, our family, and the LORD were strong, and that held our marriage together. But our relationship was civil and accommodating at best, and a lonely life of desperation at worst. It seemed at times we were merely roommates or “best friends” raising our kids. Something had to change. I remember pleading with GOD to take away my sexual desires. Unable to connect with my wife physically and emotionally the way I so desired was killing me. I tried making myself go through the motions. She’d do the same. We were getting nowhere. Eventually I stumbled upon a podcast, Sexy Marriga Radio (SMR), which claimed “Marriage is The Hotbed of Sex” and covered a variety of issues we were dealing with. Initially, I thought I had found a place with resources I’d utilize to “fix my wife.” I soon realized I was the only one I could “fix!” I was seriously flawed. CHANGING CORE BELIEFS/PARADIGM SHIFT “Father GOD… Have I been wrong??? Have I blindly followed a set of external ‘Do’s & Don’ts’ instead of letting You lead me in this area of my life????” WHAT IF…? What an epiphany! It was time to answer these questions… “Dear Heavenly Father… Please forgive me…” I sat myself down and had a long-overdue conversation… “Curt… it’s time you chuck that set of man-made, legalistic, life-sucking regulations and start living. Time to get reacquainted with your Manhood, that member of your anatomy you dissed and tried to shut down decades earlier. Introduce the real him to your wife. She’s probably been waiting for him to show up. Time to start trusting and believing your Father. Listen to Him. Follow Him. Let Him guide you and watch Him bless you and your marriage beyond your wildest dreams.” Intending to add some spark to our sex lives (and realizing our newfound freedom), we began to explore beyond the previous limiting boundaries. We added toys, various forms of novelty, different positions, locations. They had been helpful to a point. But we both often felt we were simply using them to force each other to orgasm/climax. If any of you have been there, you’ll relate. It doesn’t work. GROWING/EXPANDING Our Concept/Vision of What Our Peak Sexual Experience/Connection Might Look Like… Although every individual and couple is unique, from our perspective, good sex (at least in later years) requires cultivating a deeper connection involving all aspects of our being and resources. Both partners want to feel loved, respected and pursued. If either is reticent to open up in vulnerability (revealing and offering the entirety of themselves to their partner) it stifles the process of the deepest of connections possible between them—and the magnitude of the sexual response. The synergistic effect of giving all of your being (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) to them, and them giving it back. I’d read about couples who’ve bravely moved in this direction in vulnerability and curiosity in pursuit of knowing their spouse in a deeper way. I wanted this. While I came to this juncture in my development later in life, it’s not necessarily the norm or preferred. Although a growth process which must be be desired and diligently pursued, it need not be delayed. “Sweeter with Age” (story title) is my perception of our connection today. I feel blessed beyond measure. God has given us a sex life (and depth of connection) I never dreamed possible. And I don’t think He’s finished! It came to us in our 60’s, later in life. But astute individuals/couples will pursue this path early in their relationship and reap its benefits sooner, avoiding years (decades?) of unfulfilling sex. They won’t miss out on the deep, rich connection it facilitates. AND NOW… THE HOT SEX STORY YOU HORNY PEOPLE CAME HERE TO READ… WARNING… If you’re offended by strong adult language. Stop here! This language, once offensive to us, is no longer. In reading/studying the late David Schnarch’s book “Passionate Marriage” (yes… we study and pray together about our sex life/relationship), we learned sometimes there really weren’t other words which adequately expressed various aspects of passionate sex. “Have intercourse,” “copulate,” “coitus,” “have sex,” “connect,” “be romantic,” etc. are all descriptive of the varied nuances of sexual interaction. But none of them convey the power, intensity, burning desire and fervor of the term “fuck.” We’ve learned to fuck. In our 60’s! Note: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. But it probably won’t quite look like the younger dog. As you read this story use your imagination. (Picture younger dogs. They’re sexier…) It’s been nearly a year since my initial story on MH. Because of its deep emotional impact and because for me vulnerability is challenging, that story was a difficult post, but very cathartic. Since that story, I’ve wanted to write another. Although our relationship and connection has continued to deepen and grow and we’ve had many wonderful encounters, I haven’t quite felt the prompting and motivation till now. The focus of this story is Deep Connection involving the combination of all aspects of our being (i.e. physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) as opposed to the mere physical. I realize my vulnerability may characterize me as a monster of sorts, depending on your perspective/convictions. At one point in my life, I pondered it. But as I’ve aged, I’ve changed. I’ve grown. The identity of my Sexual Self in my early teens was merely associated with its physical dimension and the pleasurable sensations I suddenly discovered. For several years following, I innocently explored and enjoyed this intriguing frontier, free of guilt and shame. That early stage of development was very sex-positive and characterized by curiosity and freedom. It took a sudden, unexpected and unfortunate turn around the age of 18 when I came to a saving faith in Jesus Christ. It radically changed my life. My Christian faith was now the very center and foundation of my being. I immersed myself in learning about this newfound faith, including its well-intended but largely sex-negative perspective of sex. It encouraged approaching sexuality with suspected danger and ever-vigilant caution. I learned one of my favorite pastimes (masturbation), which since my salvation I had come to believe was a gift from God, was—according to current church teaching—to be viewed as suspect and a form of “self-pollution.” Could this be true? Conflicted, I wrestled with this notion. Deep within my Sexual Self, I felt the strong desire to embrace my wonderful masculinity as God-given. I “managed” it privately while maintaining my purity and treating females and sisters in Christ with dignity and respect. But before long, after absorbing these sex-negative undertones I eventually “caved.” It caused me to question my passions, my desires, and the expression of my Sexual Self. Sex-negative messages (except in the bounds of marriage) were seldom discussed. Sex appeared to be something (although God-created) to keep private, shrouded in shame – like nudity and the human body. My college textbook in “Christian Ethics” (all male class) in Bible College, which discussed such topics as sexual purity and masturbation, was simplistically entitled: “SEX is NOT SINFUL?” I got the message. Loud and clear. Looking back, it was weak scriptural criterion, and rich in personal interpretation/opinion. But it took root deeply. I loved my God and Savior more than life itself. I was all in. Could I hold back any area of my life from Him? That was the way the subject was framed. In an attempt to honor God with this area of my life, I would shut it down by sheer force of will. But I often failed. Leaning on the power of God’s indwelling Holy Spirit within me, I fervently sought His assistance. I’d repent, promise to do better. Fail again… Repent again. Fail again… (ad nauseum). Anxiety, “guilt” and shame stalked and haunted me. At last! God answered my prayers and blessed me with a wonderful wife. An approved outlet for my God-given, pent-up sexual energy! Sex was no longer just about me. I’d finally have a sexual partner… This was the height of the “Sexual Revolution.” Sexual diseases proliferated. Sex was “Out of The Closet.” X-Rated movies showcasing all kinds of sexual activity were becoming commonplace. “Deep Throat,” in 1972 was an overnight phenomena. The sexual freedom at the height of the Sexual Revolution was liberating to secular society. But the Church recoiled and was quick to contrast/juxtapose this hedonistic pandemic with “godly” sexuality. Which by implication was diametrically opposed, but with few clear guidelines. What were acceptable, safe, God-honoring/sanctioned boundaries and activities a Christian couple could enjoy? This was my situation and my dilemma. What was I to do with the desires/passions I longed to explore/experience with my wife? What sexual activities were acceptable for us as Christians? I knew nothing of the sexual freedom metaphorically veiled in the Song of Songs, and I found little information in the Scriptures themselves. With this backdrop, I think you get my conflicted mindset and internal struggle in how to integrate my God-given sexuality (with its strong and inquisitive primal desires) with the core beliefs/teaching I’d heard and now taken to heart? Early in marriage, for me it was primarily still about the physical. Testosterone-driven. The “Big O.” My wife’s mere physical presence and sexual availability was sufficient. Sex wasn’t anything either of us had to struggle with or try to “work” at. It was hot and automatic. But through the years, with life’s pressures, responsibilities and trials, and a growing family eating away at our invaluable time together, I gradually realized I was missing and longing for more. Missionary play with a partner who was at times overly tired, yet lovingly committed and available, with a diminishing libido didn’t fulfill me. At this time she seemed to be fine with the status quo. I often felt I was merely “using” her. Obligatory “mercy” sex? I felt stifled, repressed. Often rejected. The enthusiastic advances I often made into new territory were mostly met with shock and disgust or disdain—at best, with an attitude of submissive duty. Not the emotional connection/component I now seemed to crave. The Emotional Connection (appearing to be something refused) surfaced, paramount. I now wanted, longed for, Emotional Connection. My repeated attempts to engage her emotionally seemed ignored, I began to withdraw emotionally myself. Sexual frequency and interest between us both became less and less frequent. Our love and commitment to each other, our family, and the LORD were strong, and that held our marriage together. But our relationship was civil and accommodating at best, and a lonely life of desperation at worst. It seemed at times we were merely roommates or “best friends” raising our kids. Something had to change. I remember pleading with GOD to take away my sexual desires. Unable to connect with my wife physically and emotionally the way I so desired was killing me. I tried making myself go through the motions. She’d do the same. We were getting nowhere. Eventually I stumbled upon a podcast, Sexy Marriga Radio (SMR), which claimed “Marriage is The Hotbed of Sex” and covered a variety of issues we were dealing with. Initially, I thought I had found a place with resources I’d utilize to “fix my wife.” I soon realized I was the only one I could “fix!” I was seriously flawed. CHANGING CORE BELIEFS/PARADIGM SHIFT “Father GOD… Have I been wrong??? Have I blindly followed a set of external ‘Do’s & Don’ts’ instead of letting You lead me in this area of my life????” WHAT IF…? What an epiphany! It was time to answer these questions… “Dear Heavenly Father… Please forgive me…” I sat myself down and had a long-overdue conversation… “Curt… it’s time you chuck that set of man-made, legalistic, life-sucking regulations and start living. Time to get reacquainted with your Manhood, that member of your anatomy you dissed and tried to shut down decades earlier. Introduce the real him to your wife. She’s probably been waiting for him to show up. Time to start trusting and believing your Father. Listen to Him. Follow Him. Let Him guide you and watch Him bless you and your marriage beyond your wildest dreams.” Intending to add some spark to our sex lives (and realizing our newfound freedom), we began to explore beyond the previous limiting boundaries. We added toys, various forms of novelty, different positions, locations. They had been helpful to a point. But we both often felt we were simply using them to force each other to orgasm/climax. If any of you have been there, you’ll relate. It doesn’t work. GROWING/EXPANDING Our Concept/Vision of What Our Peak Sexual Experience/Connection Might Look Like… Although every individual and couple is unique, from our perspective, good sex (at least in later years) requires cultivating a deeper connection involving all aspects of our being and resources. Both partners want to feel loved,

Did you like this story? Scarlet Echoes in the Dusk look, but like these, here Story taboo sex.